


When one birthday changes everything

by If_Its_Gay_I_Probably_Ship_It



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Dark Thoughts, F/M, Foster Care, I miss SHIELD, I'm Bad At Tagging, giving up a baby, i want them back, later fluffy-ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-07 15:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17963363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/If_Its_Gay_I_Probably_Ship_It/pseuds/If_Its_Gay_I_Probably_Ship_It
Summary: My childhood was full of dreams and hopes about Mary Poppins, Peter Pan and Nemo. I learned early, live didn't mean very well with me but I learned to cope.I usually write this instead of sleeping so I'm sorry for spelling errors that might occur. Have a god one! xx





	1. Introducing: the original child

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it. It's a bit moody in the beginning but it get softer (?) later. Idk, give it a try! Love your face, bye! xx
> 
> PS: does anyone know how I can make my font italic? I doesn't copy onto the skin...

My childhood was full of dreams and hopes about Mary Poppins, Peter Pan and Nemo. I learned early, live didn't mean very well with me but I learned to cope. Books, movies – and now TV shows – to bring me into a different world away from reality when I really didn't wanna be here. Reality sucked. It was full of people who didn't care, no support and dark thoughts whenever I was alone for too long. 

When I was six and started school, I was the only one who did not have their parents sitting in the audience. Only one person clapped when my name was said. I had to take the bus back. 

School has always been awful. I never had friends because apparently it's a bad thing to be a foster child. Not that it's my fault but sure why the hell not. I got bullied a lot but teachers didn't care when I sat on the stairs crying. They never did. No one ever did. (RT: my teachers actually didn't care I was crying on the stairs.)

It's strange to describe the feeling because I felt it for as long as I can remember. I can't relate it to any other experience because I don't know any different. It feels like uncertainty just stronger. Like being lost in your own self. Something like a mirror labyrinth. I see myself but I can't pinpoint where exactly I am nor where I'm supposed to go or even where I came from. Everything is a mystery. My life, my physique, my behavior everything regarding myself. 

It's more and more unsettling the more I think about it. I have no closure or knowledge and it's driving me insane. Naturally, humans feel safer and better when they have knowledge regardless of the topic but if you have non it's painful, alarming, embarrassing, troubling, distressing, pick whichever you prefer. But under the line it's bad, just plain bad and uncomfortable.

I always had a problem with the fact that I can't know everything. And I'm smarter than most people which makes it even worse. I got minor OCD from it and strong dislike against people.

School's boring. Class is too slow and students are too stupid. For them it's so much more important how someone looks or talks or what type of shoes they're wearing. Partying, alcohol and sex are also way more important but it doesn't really surprise in the neighborhood where I live. People here have minimum wage or no jobs at all. Police and social services are here a lot and I'm happy whenever I can be in my room reading or be in the park. 

I love the park. It have to walk 30 minutes – or have a 15 minute bus drive – but I get happiness in exchange for it. Nature and green, smiling children and happy faces. I can feel the sun shining on my face, warming my whole body maybe even my soul. When I take a breath I smell fresh air and when I'm lucky, cut grass.

I love watching the children play. They are all so innocent and can smile about the smallest things. Everything and anything can make them happy. I envy that ability and often wish I could do the same. Watching them makes me happy and sad at the same time which is as depressing as that sounds. I only smile around them. It scares me following by the fact I'm emotionally distant or even completely cold. 

But then again, I feel happiness when I read Mary Poppins and depression when I have to listen to Mrs. Planton talking about integral formulas. I'm not even sure if that's a thing because math is that one subject I completely and utterly suck at. I'm better with languages though. I speak English and German fluently and passable in French , Spanish and Italian. 

My life is very uninteresting and boring, really nothing ever happens. I get up at 6.30am every morning, lay in bed half an hour and read until I do have to get up and get dressed. Depending on how strong my zombie mode is I can have breakfast in the building or on my way to the bus at 7.15am which brings me to school. The drive takes 20 minutes and school starts at 8am. I'm usually the first one in the room and sit at the table with earbuds and read until the lesson starts. That I do before every lesson which kinda describes the majority of my day. Lunch is the same only with food – sometimes when I got enough money. I go straight to the park after school regardless of the weather but the length of my stay depends on the weather. I'm usually back between 4 and 6.30pm and start with my homework. I take a break for dinner and after I finish it's usually between 8 and 9pm. When I'm changed I read or watch Netflix until 2 or 3am depending on how much my brain dislikes me. 

I love sleep but them and I don't have the best relationship. I'm sleep deprived all the time and the only thing keeping me awake through the day is usually an ungodly amount of black tea because I can't stomach coffee all that well. Sleep deprivation really messes with your body, suddenly you have no energy for anything and even though you're tired the whole time you can't sleep. You can't concentrate properly, it's like you have a slight alcohol level the whole day – that is a scientifically proven fact by the way. You can't eat a lot and get sick more often and I can't remember a day I didn't feel nauseous. Also your mood changes all the time and depression increases. I mean who doesn't want that, right?

This whole shitshow though, changed the day I turned fifteen years old.

When I was still at school I didn't know it was going to be life changing. The weather was terrible – because of course it was. 

_Crazy skies all wide above me now. Winter howling at my face. And everything I held so dear..._ , the song played in my head while I looked outside the window, seeing nothing but gray and rain. The drops hammered noisily against the glass, slowly making their way down the surface. I watched how one raindrop absorbed another one and another one until it makes it's way down to the frame.

Mrs. Planton sounded so far away I couldn't hear what she was actually saying. It was like a white noise machine. Annoying but oddly soothing. _Sail away with me honey. I put my heart in your hands. Sail away with me honey now...now...now..._. The bell snapped me out of my daze though. I looked at my papers and there was nothing but some random doodles of... I actually can't identify it.

Quickly, I stuffed everything in my bag, slipped on my jean jacket and made my way out of the building but not before putting in my earbuds and starting my random playlist on shuffle. _X Ambassador_ 's _Renegades_ floated through my ears.

The weather was still terrible but I just stuffed my hands in my jacket pockets and started walking. I still have three lessons but I have no concentration left let alone feel like attending them. Honestly, I couldn't care less about getting detention right now. I just felt the urge to leave this hole. Before I even realized where I was going I was there. At the park.

It didn't even surprise me all that much. I only sat down on my usual bench letting myself getting drenched by the floats coming down from the sky. Today, no one was there though. No children, no laughing, no cheering, no happiness. Only a crying sky and a sad teenager who ditched school and will probably never do anything with their life. 

At some point I started to shiver rather heavily and I decided to go back and shower. 

_There was a time when I was alone_  
No where to go and no place to call home  
My only friend was the man in the moon  
And even sometimes he would go away too 

I watched the people when they drove by in their cars, from the bus. Stressed faces, angry rants with their companions or melancholic expressions but no delight anywhere.

_Then one night, as I closed my eyes_  
I saw a shadow flying high  
He came to me with the sweetest smile  
Told me he wanted to talk for a while  
He said Peter Pan that's what they call me  
I promise that you'll never be lonely  
And ever since that day 

It felt like the universe told me I wasn't worth it. As if I deserved this because I was the reason for all the sadness. And today – on my birthday – it played out it's revenge on me for being born.

_I am a Lost Boy from Neverland_  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the Woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook

Everything made zero sense to me in this moment. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. The universe? This is garbage and I knew that. Everything is explainable by science – which includes today's weather. I'm a person of logic. I never believed in god because – let's be real here – if he would actually exist, he wouldn't let children have lifes like mine and worse ones. I think I just needed a good amount of sleep. This night only made 3 and a half hours and that's far away from enough.

_Run run Lost Boy, they say to me_  
Away from all of reality  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free

I felt lost in this moment – again. Sometimes I think about the fact I might be depressed. I don't really believe it because I don't wanna end my life or whatever. But I also know my constant sadness and the feeling of emptiness is not normal either. Adding to those indicators comes the severe sleep deprivation which brings a high risk of depression. Maybe I should go to a shrink? On the other hand I really don't want to so... no.

My thought process right now reminds me of Izzy – another foster kid – told me how I have weird thought jumps and I often suddenly change topics or start talking in the middle of a sentence or only tell the first half. My brain often seems to work faster than I can process it. I constantly have at least four thoughts on my mind. That's why I like listening to music so much when I can't read or watch movies. My brain's occupied and I only have one or two thoughts I can actually concentrate on. It presses my thoughts out of the way as if there was no space for them because in this moment the music's more important but still only plays in the background. Does that make sense? It does for me and that's enough, I guess.

While I debated about all the things that are wrong with me I didn't realize I was back. I was almost at my door when I snapped out of my thoughts. I quickly threw my bag on my chair when I entered and stripped out of my clothes. My teeth chattered and my hands shook violently when I took my towel and shower kit to the showers.

When the hot water touched my ice cold skin I flinched. It felt like my skin was on fire, as if it would go up in flames any second. But I stood there under the hot spray in pain and waited for it to go away – or maybe not, I didn't really care to be honest. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the water falling on my head, running down my eyes, cheeks and shoulders, over my chest and stomach and down my legs until it build a puddle at my feet. 

I only stood there for, I don't know how long but quickly washed myself down when I felt the water getting cold. The towel around me didn't do anything to keep me warm but as soon as I was in my room I dragged out the warmest clothing from my closet. Over my sportsbra I threw a tee and a patted hoodie together with sweatpants and two pairs of sock from which one was wool. 

There was a knock on the door and I almost got a heart attack. “Yes?”, I indicate for them to enter. Which they did.

It was Mrs. Martinez, one of the social workers/teachers of this establishment I call 'home'. She gave me a warm smile. “Happy Birthday, Jamie.”, my cheeks turned a bit pink and I ducked my head.

A weak “Thanks”, is all I give her as an answer.

“I have something for you. I wanted to give it to you this morning but you were gone so fast I didn't get the chance.”, she came into the room and gestured to my bed. “You'll probably going to wanna sit for this.”, oh god, this sounded horrible already. 

She looked at the baby blanket on my bed. It was fleecy with giraffes on it. The blanket is from my mother. She huddled me in it and gave me away with it. I always kept it. It always gave me sense of validation, that I am someone even if I don't know who. I gave me a sense of calm and it felt safe. I can't properly explain it though. Feelings are complicated.

“When your mother came to give you to us, the blanket wasn't the only thing she gave us for you. She left a letter.”, she held it in her hands and it had my name written on it. 'Jamie' in beautifully curved calligraphy. Mrs. Martinez gave me the letter. “She told us to give it to you when you turned 15 and that she explains everything in here.”, she as much as whispered to me.

I ran my fingers over the ink on the aged paper. It's discolored and you could see shapes on it as if it had rained that day and drops landed on the letter. Maybe there was weather like today. My hands shook harsh but not from the cold this time but anticipation, angst, thrill, hope and a mass of other feelings I can't identify in this moment. I opened the letter.

_Happy Birthday Jamie,_  
…


	2. it's amazing how things can work... or not?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search starts. Hopefully Jamie's lucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have found out how to make the font italic but i'm not sure. If it's not italic just imagine the first part of the chapter is. I don't live oin DC and can't remember specifically where Bobbi's from but D.C. kinda stuck for whatever reason. I'm not from D.C. so I just googled high schools there. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it. Have fun! xx

_4th, October 2001  
Happy Birthday Jamie,_

_if they gave you the letter at the right time, you're 15 years old now, just as old as I was when I wrote this letter to you. Your due date is in two weeks but I needed to write these lines before I can't bring down the words anymore.  
I really hope you're happy and healthy, but we probably both know by now, that is not always the case. If you're sad or depressed that's okay too. I am. And I'm sure when I will have to give you away it will get worse. I don't wanna guild trip you or anything, I just wanna write the truth because I think you deserve it more than anything._

_I'm really sorry for the uncertainty you possibly went through or still do. I know the feeling and it's sometimes better not to have parents, believe me in my home you wouldn't have grown up into a good person. It's one of the main reasons I left you at the orphanage. I would like to explain myself a little to give you some kind of closure._  
You were not unwanted. The pregnancy was a surprise but I would've kept you if I have had the resources. Sadly I didn't. I was only 15 running for early graduation with 16. I don't know if I made it by now but I'd like to think I did.  
My parents are drunks and junkies. When they found out I was pregnant my father kicked me in the stomach so hard I started bleeding, but you resisted and stayed with me the next 8 months. They threatened to kill you if I ever step a foot in the house with you and since they actually hold their promises (had to learn that the hard way) I didn't wanna risk it. They almost killed you once and I couldn't let that happen again, you are way too precious and important to end up like that. 

_I had no other choice because right now child support for teen moms is terrible and not helpful at all. You stand alone and on your own without any help or support. If I had a better family I would have kept you because maybe it would have worked out fine but not in these circumstances. The government would have taken you from me anyways when they would have seen the apartment which they would have to check up on here in DC._  
If it all sounds like stupid excuses, I'm really sorry but this is the reality I had to deal with and I know I made the right choice the day I gave you in the hands of other people.  
I hope you're not angry. Because anger is a powerful emotion that can ruin your life. But it's born of love and I can't put into words how much I love you. I haven't even met you yet (only through sonograms) and I already know I could never love anyone the way that I love you. I fell in love at my first ultrasound. I kept all the pictures since you were just the tiniest blib. I couldn't fully grasp something so perfect could come out of it.  
The first time I was able to hear your heartbeat it felt like my entire world was crashing. It was a fast little puckering and the most beautiful sound I ever heard. Every time I had an appointment they gave me a picture and a CD with your heartbeat on it. I'm gonna keep it all forever. I can promise you that.  
I will never ever forget you. You are always with me and now I have an actual motivation to change something. Even if you can't feel it I will change the world for you. I promise to keep you safe. Keep you from harm and bad people. I'll do it the best way possible and I hope you can feel it. 

_I can't know now if you want to find me or if you don't wanna have anything to do with me. I don't know how mad you are or upset. If you wanna find find me you can. My name is Barbara Morse but everybody only calls me Bobbi. I was born on July 12th 1986. It's not an obligation, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't wanna see me. I just hope you don't hate me._

_I only wanted you to know how much I love you and that I will always love you. I can't put in words how much but there is a warmth streaming through me every time I think of you, it's indescribable. You are the best thing I ever achieved and hope you know how special and unique you are._

_Love_

Tears run down my face while I read through the letter. I didn't fully understand what was happening. I wasn't an inconvenience, not some stupid junkies meth baby, no abomination or hated by the girl who gave birth to me. A warmth floated me I've never felt before. What was that? I can't describe it. But I feel a sense of relief running over me and I could breath a little easier. 

But as soon as the feeling was there it was gone again. What if she didn't mean it and only wrote this letter to play me? Did she still thought about me? Was she actually changing the world or did she became a junkie like her parents? Maybe she got horrible depression because of me and she killed herself. Maybe I shattered her whole life by only existing. 

I wanna meet her but I also don't wanna make her life harder than it already is. Maybe she even has a real family by now. She doesn't need me to make her life miserable. She doesn't deserve it. She sounds a lot like me when in the letter. Everything written down what comes to mind in that exact moment. I had to smile a little over the observation. 

I was quiet and re-read the letter another few times. I could see she cried while she wrote the letter, there were drops on the ink sometimes on shapes where the tears hit the paper. Maybe she did love me...

“How do I know she hasn't moved on?”, I asked in a voice so small you could've missed it.

Mrs. Martinez looked up at me. “She might have, we don't know that. But this girl loves you so much. When she gave you to us she had to force herself. She cried and apologized to you so much. She felt like she was ruining your life if she kept you. We told her she could stay here together with you but she reclined. Her parents would find her anyways, it was safer for you to not be with her. I never met someone before who had that big of a problem to let their baby go. She is really smart, she made the right decision even if it often doesn't feel like it. She took you as an motivation to do better. To make the world a safer place for you.”, it sounded so sincere and honest I couldn't quite believe it.

I sniffed. “Okay”, I nodded my head to persuade myself what I was gonna say next was the right decision. “I wanna find her.”

And I will find her eventually. But the journey is longer and weirder than I thought. It is rather interesting though and not at all conventional. 

I started right that day after Mrs. Martinez left the room and told me to come down for dinner later. There will be my favorite pizza tonight. With pineapple.

First thing I did was getting my laptop. I tipped Barbara Morse into the search bar and got some articles. Most of them regarding science fairs and competitions she seemed to have won. At least the girl's age matches with the time. But nothing further than High School. No social media, no college, no pictures, nothing.

High School's a good start though and apparently she went to Basis DC which I can reach in a 30 minute bike ride. I'm gonna look into that tomorrow. Right know it's almost 6.30pm which mean pizza time. 

While I walked down the stairs I had a realization: there is an actual chance for me to get myself sorted out. There's an actual sense of closure. There's a goal, an aim. I actually wanna achieve something for the first time in my life. 

Maybe it will open new possibilities for me? Even if she doesn't wanna see me, I at least met her and know that she lied. It would suck but it's better than nothing. Bad experiences are experiences too and I can learn from it.

The rest of the evening was really tolerable for 40 children in one room from the age range of 2 to 17 years. The pizza was great and I ate way too much but on the other hand I have leftovers for school tomorrow. I fell asleep relatively early today at around 11.30pm. I can't remember the last time I slept that well.

The next morning came and with it my alarm. The Brooklyn Nine Nine themes makes it a bit easier to wanting to face the day but only until I actually have to leave the bed. I had a plan for today. I'd go to outta the house as usual and make my way to school. But today it'll be to a different school. Today it's going to be Basis DC. 

When I left with my pizza in my bag I felt guilty for not going to school but I knew finding my mother would help my psych, and with that ME, more than Math, German and Social Studies. I took the letter with me and the articles I found on Bobbi Morse on the internet. The way took a bit longer than I thought. Mostly due to the fact I took a wrong turn and got a bit lost. But as soon as I saw the house I was relieved.

I went inside felt a strange sense of familiarity. Did every high school look the same? Seemingly. At least they had different colored looker. At my school they're red and here they're blue, but still. I found a plan on the right wall next to the main doors and looked for the secretary's office. 

When I reached it there was an old woman there. She looked around 60 and smiled at me. “Good morning sweetheart. How can I help you? Shouldn't you be in class?”, oh, damn I didn't think of that. What was I gonna say.

“Ahm... Actually I'm excused today. I'm looking for someone and I was kinda hoping you could help me?”, she looked so nice, hopefully those looks don't lie. I was nervous.

“Of course. What is the matter?”, she smiled at me and I instantly felt warm beside her. She was so heartfelt.

“I'm looking for information about Barbara or Bobbi Morse.”, I sounded hopeful but innerly I doubted I could be as lucky as succeeding at my first attempt on finding something.

The woman looked at me questionable and tried to read me. Than she smiled. “Are you her kid? You're features look so similar, only your short hair and your height are different.”, she wasn't mad or weirded out but curious and pointed at the article with a picture of Bobbi on it.

“Yes, how do you know? She graduated 14 years ago.”, who said I wasn't curious too.

“She sat right in this chair when she found out she was pregnant. I was right beside her. That's not something you forget. I saw her a lot during the next nine months. Either for morning sickness or because she was being bullied and hormones didn't work in her favor.”, the woman explained.

She got bullied... Was it because of me? Because she was pregnant? Of course it was because otherwise she seems like a great person. Oh god, I made her life hell.

“I wasn't your fault though sweetheart. She was just smarter than all the other kids and they didn't like it. It was no one's fault but of these morons who harassed her in the first place.”, it was kinda funny to hear this old lady cussing and I couldn't suppress a smile. 

“I hope you're right.”, and I turned unsure again. But then I remembered I was here for a reason. “Can you tell me where she went to college? After high school I can't find anything on her.”, I sound like a stalker...

“I am not sure to be honest but let's check the archive on the computer. Come around.”, she waved her hand signaling me to come around the counter. 

She tapped my mother's name in the search bar and waited for results. Her file came up. There where report cards, honorary stuff for various subjects but mostly science, which extra curricular she took, recommendations and college applications too. Also home address, a picture and phone number. 

It was the same face as in the newspaper. I might actually be on to something here. It surprised me because I've never been lucky but this felt like it could actually go somewhere. 

“Do you think I could maybe check the address or phone number? Maybe her parents know where she went even if they had a pretty fucked up sounding relationship.”, Mrs. … I just realized I didn't know her name. But she gave me a disapproving 'language' look. “Sorry”, I said sheepishly.

“I think you can try but her dad died some years ago and no one has seen the mom since then. I don't even know if Bobbi knows her father died. Probably not... after she went to college, no one has ever seen her again. It was as if she was a ghost from the past but nothing more.”, she told me. 

Man, her life sounded terrible. It makes mine sound like a walk on a fucking beach. Well, whatever. I knew I had to find her. So I wrote down the number, address and the colleges from her file. I packed my stuff and saddled my backpack over my shoulder when the woman touched my arm and I turned around. She held out a cookie jar. My eyes almost watered.

“Really?”, I asked her glancing at the baked goods. 

“Yes dear, take one and then go find your mother. I wish you the best of luck.”, she had such warm smile it almost seemed like it wasn't real.

“Thank you Mrs...”, right I still didn't know her name. 

“Millster.”, she answered and chuckled. “Give her my love if you find her.”

“I will. Thank you, Mrs. Millster. So much.”, with these words I gave her one last smile and turned around to leave the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Hope it didn't sound too terrible. I struggled at some points that's why it took me a while for a second chapter. If you have any constructive criticism, please drop it in the comments.
> 
> I hope you have a great day! If not than that's fine too. You are still valid and loved. xx

**Author's Note:**

> Boost my ego in the comments, please! (but also constructive critisism) 
> 
> Thank you, for reading this far! You must be a aint so have a great day! xx
> 
> PS: You'll get some background info on Bobbi in the next few chapters. Since we didn't really get all that much family stuff on the show (or at least not from what I remember. She's been gone for so long *cry*) I made it up and made her get recruited from SHIELD in college


End file.
